The White Lotus Season 3, Episode 5 Recap

Looking for a recap of season 3, episode 4? Check in here.

I hate to write this, but The White Lotus season 3 is turning into a tease. This season’s flirtation with disaster is somewhere between Valentin leading on Laurie and Saxon ruffling the hair of the little bro that he’s apparently (?!) ready (?!?!?) to fuck.

Series creator Mike White has set a compelling table with a brilliant ensemble cast, as always. The Ratliff dynasty is devolving into shambles, Gary-Greg is in full pursuit of Belinda, Rick is about to deliver justice, and the girls trip is spiraling out of control. I love a slow burn, but with only three episodes left in season 3, I wanted one domino to fall in episode 5. Just one! We’ve lived in Thailand with these vacationers for five hours now, and I feel like I’m still watching the water boil.

When episode 5 ends, Tim Ratliff is deliberating suicide, Saxon and Lochlan smooch, Jaclyn and Valentin hop into bed, and Rick brandishes a gun. It just feels like we’re always on the verge of something decisive happening to one of the characters. By this point in season 2, the quartet of Harper, Ethan, Daphne, and Cameron were fully going at each other’s jugulars. All I’m saying is: Mike, when will you serve dinner? I’m ready to eat! In the meantime, let’s run down episode 5.

“But You’re Not a BOOOOODISSSSSSST”

Tyuuum, Tyuuum, Tyuuuum. Tim Ratliff hits his breaking point this week. Piper finally cops to lying about the true purpose of their family trip, Gaitok knows that he has his gun, and Victoria is in some Lorazipammed daze, ranting about the Clintons. Maybe she has more in common with Kate than she thought!

In what’s quickly becoming an all-time White Lotus performance from Jason Issacs, he finally opens up to Victoria for what feels like the first time. When she asks him what’s going on, he talks about the pressure he’s felt since day one of his life. “I haven’t known a single day without all this shit put on me,” he says. The last thing we see in episode 5 is Tim praying to God, begging to know whether or not he should commit the suicide. He already has a note written, too: “I’m sorry. I love you all.”

P.S.: I’ll save you another Gaitok rant this week, but damn, this man can’t stop staring at Mook even when he’s in pursuit of his stolen gun!

Three Cheers For Belinda and Pornchai!

In episode 5, Belinda’s inevitable face-off with Greg-Gary grows ever closer. Early on, Fabian, the hotel manager, tells Belinda that Greg asked about her. “It appears you have many friends,” he says. “One of our regulars was just asking me all about you. Wanted to know your name and why you’re here. I think you’ve caught his eye.” Man, I miss Valentina, the White Lotus manager from season 2. At least we’ll see Sabrina Impacciatore in The Office reboot.

In a scene that’s far funnier than it should be—simply because Natasha Rothwell is so damn good—Belinda tells Fabian that a jet-setting murderer is in their midst. (“They think. He killed. His wife.”) The man is so laissez-faire and outright dismissive of Belinda that I suspect he could be on Greg’s payroll. Stop gossiping and focus on your blossoming relationship with Pornchai, he says!

Well, maybe not that last part, even if it’s exactly what she does later in the episode. Belinda asks Pornchai to stay the night—she’s understandably afraid, of both Greg and the lizard that was lurking around her room—and he does. They kiss… and The White Lotus moves on. Damn. Again, show us something!!!

Just Two Brothers Bonding, Nothing Incestuous to See Here

Well, Chelsea still forecasts something bad happening, but the only bad thing I see is the missed opportunity to needle-drop Brandy’s “Full Moon” while the Ratliff boys hit first base. In all (some) seriousness: This subplot is the strongest one in episode 5. So much of the fun in watching The White Lotus is meeting all of the vacationers at the beginning—then watching them mix and match to disastrous effect. In the ragtag group of Chelsea, Chloe, Saxon, and Lochlan, we have three separate parties smashed together—and wouldn’t you know it, things get messy.

Episode 5 traces their night out during the regional full moon festivities. Chloe offers drugs to everyone, and only Saxon is reluctant: “Saxon doesn’t do drugs,” he says in the third person. “I AM THE DRUG.” Reader, I don’t do drugs either, but this man is so damn lame that I want to do drugs now. Even though Chloe wants “the little magician” to do “his little magic,” Lochlan takes his talents to the open mouth of his big brother. After some bizarre, incesty flirting (Lochlan to Saxon: “One day, I’m gonna take you down”), the Ratliff boys kiss on a bed while Chloe and Chelsea laugh at them. Before this particular moment can go any further, The White Lotus cuts away.

A little bit before this moment, Chelsea calls Rick—but he’s busy hearing his old friend’s batshit story about gender identity and sex addiction. When HBO announced the cast for season 3, I didn’t know that Jacked Sam Rockwell was on the list! Turns out, he plays Rick’s buddy, who will certainly pose as the director in his possible hit on the man who killed his father. (Also, I was today years old when I learned that Rockwell is married to Leslie Bibb, who plays Kate.)

Whatever bad things Rick used to do, this man was certainly a part of it—this is how Rick gets his gun. They grab a drink together and catch up and what ensues is a brief Severance cosplay, with a deep conversation about Buddhism, identity, and ego death. It feels like some of White’s satire is coming into play here—a Westerner fetishizes the East and travels there in search of a spiritual awakening, only to go on a bender with his dick out—but the entire story is so damn surreal that I need to learn a little more about this dude before weighing in.

I’m Ready to Swear Off the Girls Trip

Yeah, these guys are definitely Russian mobsters. After enduring death by water gun, Jaclyn, Laurie, and Kate finally meet up with Valentin and his extremely jacked buddies. Remember when Valentin told this trio that he moves to Thailand alone? I feel like his friends and their girlfriends have something to say about that. White is peppering clues left and right with this crew: Go back and listen to the scariest comrade talking about how his aunt was an “evil woman” who “blamed me for the death of her son.” Like hell these guys were in “dance class” together.

I realize I’m a broken record with this crew, but I really need them to intertwine with the rest of the group. The trio’s antics this week include, but certainly aren’t limited to: Chanting Shia Labeouf’s name, Laurie going nude and ripping shots, Kate MAGA being the voice of reason, and Jaclyn acting like a horrible human. At the end of the episode, she sneakily invites Valentin—the man she supposedly wanted to smush Laurie—into her room for some fun. Sheesh.

Honestly, I don’t have much more to say to you this week, reader, except: Good luck getting that Russian man’s swinging dick out of your head. See you next Sunday.