Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Goldilocks Joe

Was anyone else shocked to realize there’s only one charter (and two more episodes) left in this season? This week was more of the same squabbles, so I don’t have much hope for anything exciting to come. Sandy’s proposal to her girlfriend Leah has been brought up so many times it feels like the big prom at the end of a high school movie. Hopefully, Sandy gets a nice private moment, and it doesn’t become an all-crew event milked for the last drops of drama at the end of a dry season.

But we’re not at a finale yet. This episode starts with Aesha sitting down for a meal for the first time all season, thanks to Carrie’s capability to cover the bar. The new stew also quickly steams the guests’ clothes for dinner; I’m so impressed by someone merely doing their job well and fast that it puts into perspective how low the bar has been for Ellie and Bri. Ellie remains on her power trip as she instructs Carrie and Bri on where to put up birthday decorations. She’s coming off as the person in a group project who appoints themself the leader so they can tell everyone else what to do and not have to do as much work themselves.

Hard at work in an attempt to redeem himself is Jono, whose stuffed tomatoes look great. The guests love them and the lamb entree. Compared to other chefs in the franchise, Jono still ranks at the bottom in cooking skills consistency, but it’s worth noting that he ranks high in getting along with the interior so well and having food ready on time. I wouldn’t go to his restaurant, but I’d happily go to a restaurant with him.

Who would I not go to a restaurant with? Joe. Gael tries to clear the air between them, and he apologizes, agreeing not to call her a princess again. Joe then tells Nathan that he thinks Gael hates him and asks his buddy to sort it out. Nathan’s never had a friend and girlfriend who didn’t like each other, so he’s not sure what to do. Joe has made similar comments about Bri and Ellie hating him, never seeming bothered by it. I’m sick of him not digging even a millimeter into why his female coworkers might dislike him. He’s too busy repeating the pattern with Carrie: he teases her by closing the laundry room door and running away while she’s working inside. The man has the flirting maturity of a ding-dong ditch.

After dinner, Aesha puts Carrie on drinks while Ellie cleans the table. Ellie asks Carrie for help, but Aesha overrides her. When Carrie returns to get more drinks, Ellie asks if she’d mind doing dishes so Ellie can do service instead. Why do you care, Ellie?! These married Ohioans aren’t going to be your sugar daddy. Ellie delusionally thought she was carrying the team and thinks Carrie is now taking the spotlight from her. The next day, that spotlight is serving lunch. She should be grateful to get a break. Maybe she doesn’t want to stop working because that would mean too much free time for self-reflection. Carrie tells Aesha how Ellie likes to do everything by herself and insists she doesn’t want to cause any issues, but their tone is gossipy, so I don’t fully buy that. Please cause issues, Carrie!

The guests requested watersports games and a relay race, for which the deck team picked up more inflatables. Joe comes up with an obstacle course/swimming relay with the guests, something that was definitely Iain’s job to prepare ahead of time. We’ve seen so little of Iain lately he’s practically a non-cast member engineer. I almost respect the guy for collecting his paycheck and giving us absolutely nothing.

The Mustique returns to the port for the night because of high winds. I support this decision because I now know what a waterspout is and am terrified of it. Docking in the dark goes smoothly while the guests eat dinner. They do synchronized service, well, semi-synchronized because they place down half the plates at once, then the next half. Call me when you can put down all eight plates at once. Aesha’s happy, though; she feels like things are finally up to her high standards now that they have a fourth stew. The color beads system to identify crew laundry seems to be working for Bri, who explains that she used color in her notes for studying at school too. Overall, it’s a successful charter.  They receive a $20,000 tip, and perhaps more importantly, Sandy has only positive feedback for the crew.

A major negative in my book is that Ellie gets sucked back into Joe’s orbit. Apparently, she’s forgotten about all those NFL players in her DMs. As she and Carrie clean the cabins, she fills the newbie in on Joe’s past make-outs and how he led them on. However, Ellie says it’s hard to be mad at him because he’s a sweetie, and she does care about him. I think the caring about him line is her trying to tell Carrie she’s still interested, but she’s too opaque. (Kind of like her self-tanner, which accidentally gets on Carrie’s clothes when they bump into each other getting ready for a night out.) Carrie may be easygoing because she knows their time together will be short, but the two are like a pair of betta fish in the same tank. Carrie knows not to fight directly with Ellie and reports her behavior to Aesha instead. She tells the chief stew about Ellie telling her to do less work, and Aesha says she’ll tell Ellie only to give Carrie assignments when Aesha is on break. Sadly, we don’t get to see this yet, but I look forward to Ellie’s reaction.

After dinner, Jono and Iain go back to the boat while everyone else dances. The lack of a unified dress code is hilarious. Bri’s t-shirt and jeans are fully casual, while Ellie’s bedazzled dress is dressy cocktail circus attire. It’s not loud enough to draw Joe’s attention. She tries to rekindle things by reminding him that this club is where they made out, but he’s focused on Carrie. Joe talks about her like he’s Goldilocks: he says Ellie was too stuck up, Bri was too sensitive, and Carrie seems just right. His sweater is too hot, and I guess going shirtless would be too cold, so he buys a shirt from a random man. I have a lot of questions about this, but the relevant plot point is that he doesn’t return to Ellie, who he was dancing with, and beelines to Carrie. In an interview, an insulted Ellie says, “No man in his right mind would turn down an incredible night with me.” I let out an involuntary groan. Bri tries to give Ellie a pep talk outside, but Ellie’s ready to be done with the season and go home. Carrie tells Joe she’s heard about him hooking up with the other girls, and he writes them off as drunken kisses.

Joe continues to make drunken decisions in the car back to the yacht. He books a flight to Ireland to visit Nathan because it’s only 16 quid. Is this Ryanair product placement? Gael’s hurt because Nathan didn’t check with her about their post-season travel plans. Joe beat her to booking flights so she feels like she can’t expect anything from Nathan anymore. This brings up feelings about how her ex didn’t prioritize her. That breakup is still fresh, too, and Aesha consoles her as she cries. Ellie tells Joe to fuck off as he walks by her and Bri in the crew mess with Carrie. Either unaware of the turmoil they’re causing or deliberately ignoring it, Joe and Nathan happily hang off their top bunk with Carrie. It’s giving Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. They may not fall off and hit their heads, but there will be consequences.