My Wife Prefers to Buy New Dishes Instead of Washing the Dirty Ones, and I Can’t Take It Anymore

I (28M) have been married to my wife (F30) for 2 years now, together for 5. We were going to start trying for a baby, but that got put on hold and might not happen anymore. My wife and I both work, and we make about the same amount and work about the same amount of hours.

My wife and I originally had a chore system set up where we just rock paper scissors-ed the calendar for our days off. We got a pretty fair cut, I want to say, but she did get more dishes days. I got more if not all the laundry.

My wife HATES washing dishes. She hates it with such a passion that she sometimes just shuts down and cries when she sees them in the sink. Before when I caught her crying I immediately went to help her, switch chores for the day, calm her down, and then it was fine.

But because I was doing this, I noticed that she was crying on purpose, so I washed the dishes. I knew she was faking it because the second I took over her tears stopped, and she’d go do something fun that she liked without a care in the world laughing and smiling. No wind down like before.

Because of this, we changed our dishes to “whoever makes the dish washes it” like children, with the exception of cooking. Whoever cooked didn’t have to wash the pots and pans because they put all the work in for dinner (this was also her suggestion, which I was more than okay with).

This was working out for a little while until I noticed that my wife made a lot more dishes than me and just didn’t want to wash them. I asked her when she planned on washing dishes after I made dinner at her request, and she blew up on me. I did as she said but left the dishes. The next day, she asked me why the dishes weren’t done, and I told her because she didn’t do them. This started a fight and I washed them, but I was unhappy.

I do most if not all of the laundry because she just won’t anymore, and I refuse to wear dirty clothes. The only thing she has to do with the laundry is put it in the basket. That’s it. We have a basket for darks, colors, and whites. She insists on her own basket for underwear and whatnot, so that’s its own thing, and I handwash it.

She’s been not putting her clothes in the basket. At first, I picked up all of her clothes and washed them because it was no big deal, but when I watched her take her clothes off and just leave them on the floor because “I always pick it up” I chose to leave her clothes there. She asked me why her clothes weren’t done, I said because she didn’t put them away, and she blew up on me. Same story.

Recently, this all came to a head with all the fighting. My wife has been getting lazier and lazier to push back because of our fights and at first I was doing all of her chores on top of working, but I had a little moment of “why am I even doing this?” and just stopped. The dishes were piled, her clothes were dirty, and crumbs were everywhere on her days. On my days, everything was spick and span.

She decided that she was going to just start buying more dishes and clothes to combat not doing her part. I cannot tell you how frustrated this made me. She was buying plastic spoons and forks, paper plates, Walmart t-shirts, and whatever other cheap alternative to the nice ones she had at home. I just decided to start tossing them.

When she noticed that I was tossing her cheap alternatives she blew up at me again and for the first time since we’ve been together, I raised my voice. My voice is deep, and I’m a big man, so this scared her, which I regretted.

I immediately lowered my tone and told her that she just wasn’t doing her part and that she was wasting money buying useless things when all she had to do was clean up after herself and put clothes in a basket. She cried and despite how many times I apologized, she told me that she doesn’t feel safe with me and that maybe we’re better off divorcing. This shattered me.

The yelling was an accident. No one has wanted to hear what fully happened, and it’s making me feel alone and a bit crazy. My friends are either staying out of it or are on her side if they’re women. I’ve been losing friends. I feel like a jerk now.

Was I wrong? All I wanted was for her to clean up after herself. I’d never hurt her, and I’ve never yelled at her before, which I do regret. I didn’t mean to scare her, I was just beyond frustrated because this has been building for months. I get that it was probably immature to throw away the disposables and that I should’ve just cleaned up after her, but I was just frustrated.

• “OP should lawyer up, get papers started, and then tell everyone that she’s disgusting and her laziness and filthiness upset him and caused him to raise his voice. She is unwilling to change and expects him to clean after her.” Higgins1st / Reddit
• “She’s the one who manipulates you and causes all the fights. She’s decided that it’s okay for you to do all the work around the house, and is going out of her way to just not do a single thing.
  It’s okay to admit when a relationship is no longer good for you. She’s now in the phase of destroying your credibility so she can isolate you from family and friends. Start planning an escape now, including getting your finances in order.” Caspian4136 / Reddit
• “I’d say go to couples counseling, but it doesn’t sound like it’d work because she’s not interested in building a good relationship, she wants a relationship where she always gets her way, even if she has to paint you as a cruel person to your circle to achieve it, and you obediently do all the chores always, and apologize for not having done them faster.” paspartuu / Reddit

• “Lord, just divorce her. She sounds like a 12-year-old.” Prudent-Reserve4612 / Reddit
• “If you had a kid, guarantee you’ll be doing most of the childcare while she cries about how you don’t help and then calls you toxic when you try to do anything about it. Get divorced and save yourself the drama.” veloxaraptor / Reddit
• “I would say you married a child, but that’s an insult to children. My 13-year-old cooks for himself on occasion and cleans up as he goes. He does his laundry. He knows how to clean, and is fully responsible for his room, bathroom, and basement (the kid cave). If I ask for his help, he helps pretty much immediately.” Beck2010 / Reddit