Sexplain It: I’ve Only Had Sex With One Person. Does That Make Me a Prude?

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I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

Dear Sexplain It,

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting hookup sex? I’ve only had sex once, when a childhood friend of mine and I experimented in college. He was all for it, and we did it a few times. I wanted to do it again with him.

The idea of casual hookup sex somewhat excites me, but whenever I imagine having sex, it is always with a boyfriend, in a monogamous relationship. Hookups are what so many seem to want. I want to learn about myself, but I want to do it in a monogamous relationship.

Relationship Man

Dear Relationship Man,

You clearly state that you only want to have sex in a loving, monogamous relationship where you feel secure and attuned to your boyfriend.

So you should go and find that!

Right now, you’re comparing yourself to others (which is never a great idea). Perhaps you live in a big queer-friendly city, where it seems like every gay dude is incessantly swiping through hookup apps or waiting face-down-ass up for a stranger to come in and breed them.

Great for these guys! Casual and anonymous hot sex is their cup of tea. Your cup of tea probably involves drinking actual tea while cuddling up with your man before watching a ’90s romcom. After which, you have connected sex with a lot of eye contact. (This actually sounds quite lovely.)

I know we often have the tendency to obsess over whether our sexual desires (or lack thereof) are “normal.” Is it normal to want to get peed on while being called a pathetic whore? Is it normal to be attracted to women three times my age? Is it normal to not want to have casual sexual encounters at all?

To be honest, I loathe the question of “normalcy” as I don’t think there is such a thing as “normal” when it comes to human sexuality: it is far too complex and individualist. Also, what’s wrong with being different? It just means that the majority of others don’t share your same sexual desires, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your desires; there’s nothing wrong with you. It just means you’re sexually unique (i.e., not a basic bitch).

Let’s start by throwing away the “should” (i.e., I should want more casual sex) and instead replace it with what you actually desire: a committed partnership.

Relationship Man, have you heard of the word demisexual? Because you sound like you fall somewhere on the demi spectrum. We have an entire explainer on demisexuality, but in short, it means you’re only attracted to people after you have formed an emotional connection with them. So you don’t see a hot person on the street and think, “I wanna jump their bones.” Only after having a few dates, when you feel safe and connected, do you want to jump their bones. While the data can vary, roughly 1 percent of the population identifies as demisexual (meaning there are millions of people in the world who are demi).

If you feel like this label resonates with you, you should consider including on your dating app bios that you’re demisexual. Doing so will filter out guys who are only looking for a pump and dump, and help you connect with others who only want sex once in a safe and committed relationship. I’d also steer clear of apps that cater more to people wanting casual sex or one-night stands—your Grindrs, Sniffies, Tinders, etc.—and try out apps that cater more specifically to people looking for relationships, like Archer or Hinge.

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