What to Do When You’re Not Attracted to Your Partner

Todd Baratz is a certified sex therapist, the author of How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind, and the creator of @YourDiagnonsense on Instagram, where he breaks down myths and taboos surrounding modern relationships and intimacy. In his third exclusive column for Men’s Health on the subject of attraction, Baratz shares his advice for those who think they might have found the one, but that all-important sexual spark is missing.

THERE’S NOTHING WORSE than meeting someone who checks every box—kind, funny, emotionally available, stable, treats you well—only to realize your libido has no interest in participating. The mind says yes, but the body says absolutely not. Sometimes, the people who make the most sense on paper don’t trigger that deep, undeniable pull—and that’s okay. Yes, it’s frustrating, but it’s also incredibly common.

Attraction is unpredictable; you can admire someone, respect them, and even love them, but if your body doesn’t get the memo, it’s like trying to start a fire with wet matches. And no amount of forcing it will make it spark. It’s not something we can will into existence, no matter how much we wish we could.

First, let’s be clear that attraction is about way more than simple aesthetics. Sure, physical appearance plays a role, but it’s just one piece of the puzzle—and believe it or not, often the smallest piece. Attraction is deeply tied to emotional, intellectual, and psychological dynamics. Someone who’s objectively “hot” can become deeply unattractive in the context of a toxic relational dynamic, while someone who doesn’t fit conventional beauty standards can become magnetic and incredibly sexy through emotional intimacy and shared experiences.

This is why attraction is anything but simple. It’s not just about the physical—it’s about how someone makes you feel, how they engage with you, and how your experiences connect (or disconnect). These are the relational and psychological dynamics that shape, create, or destroy attraction. It’s a fluid, ever-evolving, and deeply personal energy.

What Are We Talking About Here?

LET’S CLARIFY WHAT we mean by attraction in the context of relationships. Specifically, we’re talking about sexual attraction, the type of attraction that leads to the ability to sexualize and desire a partner. This is different from simply recognizing that someone is attractive in a general sense or appreciating their qualities without feeling a personal, sexual pull toward them.

Attraction in relationships encompasses not just how someone looks, but how they engage with you emotionally, intellectually, and psychologically—and how all of these elements come together to create a sense of desire. After all, you can find someone objectively hot without seeing them as a sexual partner.

When the Spark Isn’t There

WHAT IF YOU’RE just not attracted to your partner? First, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Many people find themselves in relationships where attraction is lacking. This can happen for a variety of reasons:

• EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT: Attraction often wanes when emotional intimacy fades. If you feel unsupported, unseen, or disconnected, it’s hard to feel desire.
• RELATIONAL DYNAMICS: Power struggles, resentment, or unresolved conflicts can erode attraction over time. Someone who once felt irresistible can suddenly feel like a stranger.
• UNREALISTIC EXPECTIATIONS: Our culture often equates attraction with constant, fiery passion, but real-life relationships ebb and flow. Attraction isn’t always spontaneous; sometimes, it requires nurturing.
• MISMATCH IN VALUES OR INTERESTS: Attraction can falter when there’s a misalignment in life goals, values, or intellectual connection. Compatibility matters.
• PERSONAL ISSUES: Stress, anxiety, depression, or body image struggles can affect how we perceive both ourselves and our partners.

If you’re in a relationship where attraction or desire is absent, it’s important to tease apart the layers:

• WAS ATTRACTION EVER THERE? If it wasn’t, the chances of desire suddenly emerging are slim. This doesn’t make you or your partner flawed; it simply highlights a fundamental mismatch.
• HAS ATTRACTION FADED OVER TIME? If you once felt attracted to your partner but no longer do, there may be relational or personal dynamics blocking that desire.

Can Attraction Grow?

YES… WITH SOME important caveats. For some, attraction can deepen over time as emotional intimacy builds. If you feel some attraction—even a little spark—it’s possible to cultivate it. But if there’s zero attraction from the jump, waiting around for it to appear is usually a dead end.

Realistically, relationships need some level of physical connection to thrive. You don’t need to be obsessed with each other every second, but if the idea of sex feels like an obligation rather than something you genuinely want, that’s a problem.

So What Should You Do?

IF YOU’RE IN this situation, ask yourself:

“Do I feel any physical pull toward them at all?”

“Am I ignoring my gut in favor of what I think should work?”

“Am I trying to convince myself to stay out of fear, comfort, or guilt?”

If attraction isn’t there and isn’t growing, forcing yourself to stay won’t change it. And you deserve a relationship where attraction flows naturally, not one where you’re constantly hoping it will.

Attraction is weird, unfair, and often inconvenient. But it’s also necessary. Liking someone isn’t the same as wanting them—and both matter.