Todd Baratz is a certified sex therapist, the author of How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind, and the creator of @YourDiagnonsense on Instagram, where he breaks down myths and taboos surrounding modern relationships and intimacy. In his second exclusive column for Men’s Health on the subject of attraction, Baratz explains how—and why—desire can linger after a breakup.
BREAKUPS ARE RARELY neat and clean. You might end the relationship, pack up your things, and tell yourself it’s over—but your mind and body often have other plans. Despite understanding that the relationship is over, you might still feel drawn to your ex, attracted to them, or even aroused by the thought of them.
This lingering attraction can be confusing, but it’s completely normal. It says less about your ex and more about how sexuality and connection work. Let’s unpack why this happens, and how to navigate it without losing your mind—or texting them at midnight.
Why You Still Feel Attracted to Your Ex
FIRST, LET’S CLEAR something up: being attracted to your ex doesn’t mean you’re weak, broken, or that you secretly want them back. It means you’re human. Sexual attraction is complex and deeply tied to emotion and memory—it’s not something you can switch off like a light.
When you’re in a relationship, your body creates strong associations between your partner and your sexual experiences. Over time, these connections become hardwired in your mind and body. In monogamous relationships, our sexualities often intertwine with our partners’ in ways that feel defining. This dynamic exists both in the relationship itself and within us, as something we internalize.
Sex, like any other routine in a relationship—sharing meals, spending free time together—becomes ingrained in who we are. And because sex is so intimate and vulnerable, it can leave an even deeper imprint.
When the relationship ends, that dynamic doesn’t dissolve overnight. Instead, it lingers internally, making it feel like your ex still holds a piece of your sexuality. This is a natural part of the grieving process—one that’s often overlooked, and filled with fear, shame, and anxiety.
How to Navigate These Feelings
If you’re struggling with lingering attraction to your ex, here are some steps to help you manage it without spiraling:
STEP 1:
Acknowledge Without Judgment
If you’re still feeling sexually drawn to your ex, don’t panic. It’s a phase, not a life sentence. Recognize these feelings as part of the grieving process and remind yourself that this is normal. Be gentle with yourself—this is a vulnerable part of healing.
STEP 2:
Create Distance Where You Can
Seeing your ex on social media or staying in touch can keep those feelings alive. Mute, unfollow, or limit your interactions with them—not out of spite, but as an act of self-care. Giving yourself distance allows your mind and body the space they need to heal.
STEP 3:
Reclaim Your Sexual Identity
This is a process, not a one-night fix. Take the time to relearn who you are as a sexual person without your ex. This might look like masturbating regularly to reconnect with your body, exploring new fantasies, or even having sex with new partners. For some, this will happen quickly; for others, it will take time. Be patient with yourself as you rediscover pleasure and intimacy outside the context of your past relationship.
STEP 4:
Resist the Hookup
Calling your ex for a hookup might feel tempting, but it often prolongs the grief and adds unnecessary hurt. If you’ve already done it, it’s okay—be kind to yourself—but try to avoid doing it again. Breakups are hard enough without reopening old wounds.
What This Says About You
FEELING SEXUALLY CONNECTED to your ex after a breakup isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a testament to the depth of the bond you shared and how meaningful your sexual connection might have been. Yes, it’s sad, but life and relationships are often bittersweet.
Honor the sadness with a strength-based mindset. The ability to hold on to connection, even after it ends, is a skill—a reflection of your capacity for love and intimacy. While it may take time to let go, this emotional depth will serve you in future relationships.
