Taylor Swift New Album The Tortured Poets Department Review: Every Thought We Had While Listening

Swifties, are you guys okay?

At midnight (naturally), Taylor Swift dropped her eleventh studio album, The Tortured Poets Department, a rage and sorrow-filled missive detailing her feelings about not one but two of her recent breakups. In the songs, Swift aims her deadliest weapons (allegedly) at Matty Healy, who she infamously dated for a few drama-filled months last year. It turns out that there may have been way way more going on behind the scenes (ghosting! tears! Charlie Puth conversations!) then we knew.

To mark this momentous occasion, Glamour staff, which is composed of diehard Swifties, casual fans, and even some skeptics, gathered together to listen to the album for the first time and chat about it. Here are our thoughts, completely unfiltered, about every single song.

Track 1:”Fortnight” (featuring Post Malone)

“This is very Lana…inspired.” —Danielle Sinay, associate beauty editor

“I am getting The 1975 vibes a bit too.” —Anna Moeslein, deputy editor

“It’s giving ‘80s new wave a bit.” —Chantal Waldholz, senior director, audience development

“‘I wanna kill her’…SZA paved the way —DS

“And now she’s an (almost) murderer.” —CW

“Taylor has already floored me with this lyric: ‘I was a functioning alcoholic til nobody noticed my new aesthetic.’ Wow.” —Samantha Barry, editor-in-chief

“Is this all of Posty we’re gonna get? Can’t wait for the inevitable new song with (even more Post Malone). —Stephanie McNeal, senior editor

“I feel like this should be on the Stranger Things soundtrack.” —CW

“I need to relisten, because I don’t know if she’s singing about wanting to kill her former self?” —ET

“‘I touched you for only a fortnight’ makes me think this was a short-lived romance, a fortnight is a real British way of saying two weekS.” —SB

“This song is about to be a perfect example of being like ‘Eh, it’s kind of boring, overrated’ at first and then I will be playing it on repeat and teary eyed in July.” —DS

“I’m going to be obsessed with this song I’ll tell you right now.” —ET

“It’ll be used in a scene of The Summer I Turned Pretty and I’ll lose it.” —AM

“Then Post Malone once again has to come in and ruin a good thing.” —DS

“I’m going to be singing and bopping to this in the shower.” —ET

“Yes, I like this but will I like it after hearing it nonstop for a year? Unclear.” —SM

Track 2: “The Tortured Poets Department”

“Okay, so it’s all ‘80s-inspired?” —DS

“’80s music is such a thing right now: the whole Conan Gray album, Chappell Roan…” —ET

“Should I text my musician ex-BF?” —DS

“So she read Just Kids.” —Sam Reed, senior trending news and entertainment editor

“‘You’re not Dylan Thomas, I’m not Patti Smith, this aint the Chelsea Hotel,’ absolutely obsessed with this lyric, love the Chelsea Hotel, love Patti Smith, need to stop by the Chelsea Hotel this weekend and play this song on repeat!” —SB

“I love when Taylor drops an F-bomb…she’s so silly goofy about it.” —ET

“No question this is about Matty.” —AM

“Wonder will this make Charlie Puth a bigger artist? We need Charlie Puth’s take!” —SB

“Sorry I think Charlie Puth is where he needs to be.” —AM

“No wonder they said that; they were high.” —CW

“Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist is such a stoner thought.” —SR

“Selena is gonna kill her.” —SM

“Tattooed Golden Retriever being about Matty Healy is CRAZY.” —ET

“Funny bc everyone says Travis is a Goldie.” —DS

“This is my favorite album of the summer, I fear.” —ET

“It’s been 20 minutes and I’ve already made it my entire personality.” —AM

“Lucy Dacus is like pls dont connect me to this man. I just won a Grammy. Don’t cancel me.” —SM

“Lucy would like to be excluded from this narrative.” —DS

“PROTECT LUCY.” —SR

“This might be the first time I cry in front of all of you.” —CW

“The closest she’s gotten to a wedding ring…damn.” —SM

“I’m bored but vibing.” —DS

“I’ve never been less bored in my life.” —ET

“I just can’t believe she got this into Matty Healy at the age of 33.” —SM

Track 3: “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”

“I can already hear the Soul Cycle instructors shouting over this in Taylor Swift-themed spin classes.” —SB

“Woof this boom clap sounds cheap.” —SR

“Jack had hands and a dream.” —SM

“He loves a boom clap.” —AM

“I like this way more than Midnights so far.” —CW

“Is this also about Matty?” —SM

“Yes for sure…’why we could have played for keeps THIS TIME.’” —ET

“This reminds me of the sister in Saltburn, saying how Felix never liked sharing his ‘toys’ and viewers suspected they meant her too.” —DS

Is this the Oliver Twist anthem? Or whatever his name was.” —SM (Editor’s note, it’s Oliver Quick.)

“Please sir, I want some more.” —DS

“Do you think Joe is kinda like, really, I didn’t get my own album?” —CW

Track 4: “Down Bad”

“‘Down Bad, crying at the gym.’ Oh, we’ve all been there Taylor. Can’t go to certain Equinoxs anymore. This is a great break-up song, F-bomb and all.” —SB

“Crying at the gym is so me.” —ET

“Why am I crying in the club gym rn.” —SM

“I’m really sorry, but this song sounds like an SNL parody.” —DS

“Well I’m crying so….embarrassing for me.” —ET

“I’m just imagining Travis listening to this and being like, ‘this is so deep, babe.’” —SR

“Okay but I HAVE been so down bad crying at the gym.” —DS

“She’s mad we ruined Matty Healy for her but now she has Travis! I don’t feel bad the fandom bullied her out of dating him.” —ET

“We’re about to get a whole new GymTok fulllll of Swifties crying at the gym.” —CW

Track 5: “So Long, London”

“This is the Joe song. Also we get a break from Jack and finally get an Aaron Dressner track.” —AM

“The Joe song SINGULAR.” —SM

“I can see this speaking to a lot to people stuck in sad, suffocating relationships: ‘How much sad did you think I had in me.’” —SB

“Is she doing a Lana impression (again)?” —SM

“‘I founded the club she’s heard great things about.’” —AM

“Oop is that cheating rumors confirmed?” —SR

“Think soooo.” —AM

“Or he just…. moved on.” —SR

“I feel like she feels like she wasted her time on him.” —SM

“Yeah what was that, the majority of her 20s and early 30s? And not even a PAPER RING?” —DS

“Feels like she’s saying he thought her going back on tour was her letting go and she was just doing what she does! He didn’t want her to be Taylor Swift!” —ET

“This is a song that every VPR woman can sing about the men on that show— yes, I somehow just made a VPR reference.” —CW

“This is shaping up to be one of the best break-up albums ever written.” —SB

Track 6: “But Daddy I Love Him”

“Another Dressner!” —AM

“Sarahs and Hannahs are going to freak.” —ET

“She’s saying ‘leave me alone fans! I love Matty Healy!” —SM

“I still don’t feel bad. ‘He was chaos, he was revelry,’ he was just some guy.” —ET

“Girl, those fans were right and now you have KillaTrav. Grinding in public with KillaTrav! The freedom she’s always wanted in her relationships.” —CW

“KillaTrav: ‘Baby idk what revelry means but that’s beautiful.’” —SM

“‘I’ll tell you something about my good name, it’s mine to disgrace.’ I loooooooove that line. But damn, Taylor. WE WERE RIGHT. I feel like I’m going to play this song over and over even though she’s calling me a sanctimonious bitch.” —ET

“Lol the pregnancy line is wild. TAYLOR TROLLING.” —ET

“I mean she got me—my face was like omg.” —AM

“The jump scare I had when I first heard, ‘I’m having his baby…Oh no I’m not…but you should see your faces.’ That made me LOL.” —SB

“‘I’m having his baby/ no I’m not’ is camp.” —SR

“She got us, girls-Swifties.” —SM

Track 7: “Fresh Out the Slammer”

“I think this one is maybe about the Joe to Matty transition.” —AM

“I feel like it’s kind of rude to compare Joe to a jail he’s just private damn.” —SM

“It’s one thing to be private, another thing to literally not want her to do her thing.” —ET

“I know, he didn’t let her bejeweled.” —SM

“Bejailed.” —DS

Track 8: “Florida!!!” (featuring Florence and the Machine)

“’My friends all smell like weed or little babies’ ok brag.” —AM

“It’s kind of true in your 30s ngl.” —SM

“Florence sounds absolutely divine!” —SB

“…Is this the best thing to come out of Florida?” —CW

“This may be my favorite feature of Taylor’s ever (fighting it out with ‘Nothing New’ and ‘Exile.’)” —ET

“Guys I’ll be in Florida next week. It will be an immersive experience.” —ET

“‘Let me have Florida,’ girl you can have it.” —SR

“Taylor was not going to be critiqued for putting her woman features in the background again!” —ET

“I’m gonna go to Florida just so I can sing this as I get off the plane for funsies.” —CW

“Southwest is gonna play this when you land in Florida.” —SM

Track 9: “Guilty as Sin?”

“It’s a skip for me.” —CW

“‘Boredom is bone deep’ relatable.” —SR

“I felt like this was a song anyone could sing until the bridge. That made it a Taylor song.” —ET

“‘We’ve already done it in my head.’ I mean relatable.” —AM

“‘They’re gonna crucify me anyway’ so this is also about Matty.” —AM

Track 10: “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?”

“Classic Taylor scream.” —AM

“Love this song. like this is what I wanted from Reputation (Don’t yell at me Reputation stans!)” —ET

“‘Tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is’ will be a TikTok sound.” —ET

“This feels like real anger, not like Reputation, curated anger.” —SM

“Oh, so she hates her fans.” —AM

“‘I’m always drunk on my own tears, isn’t that what they all say?’ I love this woman. This feels more targeted at her haters to me.” —ET

“This is one of my favorite songs on the album so far. It packs a punch. Some epic imagery in this: teeth, circus, snarling, the big bad wolf.” —SB

“Jokes aside, I really don’t think it’s about hating her fans. even the one song that directly calls them (us) out is so obviously included because she was literally wrong and ended up with someone better.” —ET

Track 11: “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”

“This could be the new situationship anthem, the track for all your bad decisions!” —SB

“Okay, this is Lana meets ‘Janie’s Got a Gun.’” —CW

“Her dragging Lana around at the Grammys is even more intriguing knowing how much of her songs sound so much like her.” —DS (noted Lanita)

“Kicks off with some more smoking imagery- just exactly how many cigarettes did this man smoke?” —SB

“What if the bonus songs are about TRAV.” —CW

“Will the Trav songs just sound like LMFAO instrumentals?” —DS

“What deep is she going to say about that man? ‘He was a squirl, I was a piece of bread.’” —SM

Track 12: “Loml”

“This is a great lore song. You’re the loss of my life! she really felt for this man damn!” —ET

“This has to be a quill song, right?” —AM

“This sounds like…folkmore?” —DS

“This is one of the sadder songs so far. A melancholy Taylor with the line she teased us with, ‘I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all.’ Changes Love of my Life to Loss of my Life in that final line!” —SB

“That was Joe tho, right?” —CW

“Def Matty to me.” —ET

“I think FolkloreEvermore/Midnights were more Joe albums than people realized and now he’s done dusted and this is about the Matty chapter.” —AM

Track 13: “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”

“A bop!” —AM

“ABSOLUTE BANGER!!!! I am already dancing.” —SB

“Is this about doing Eras after breaking up with Joe?” —SR

“‘I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday!’” —ET

“‘I cry a lot but I’m so productive it’s an art,’ really speaks to my Capricorn sun, Cancer moon.” —AM

“I love a depression bop. Chappell Roan does them so well too.” —ET

“I’m surprised this isn’t the single…it’s going to be all over TikTok.” —SM

“Yeah, this is the song.” —DS

“I’m miserable and no one knows…drag me.” —SM

“Crying in the club is my favorite genre.” —AM

“This is the sing-a-long (shout-a long) song of the album by far. Will be a big concert hit for sure.” —SB

Track 14: “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”

“This sounds like it got left on the Evermore cutting floor.” —AM

“This is a masterclass in taking down a situationship in song. It is brutal and brilliant. Imagine being the person she wrote this about? ‘The slide into inboxes’ is going to speak to so many!” —SB

“Daaaaaaaang Matty ghosted her.” —CW

“He looks like a ghost.” —SR

“He looks like a ghost and a ghoster.” —DS

“Sooo basically she was willing to deal with the backlash but he dipped out…to quote Sandoval.” —AM

“Is this….Sandoval’s anthem? Taylor is Sandoval and Raquel is Matty?” —SM

“Wait..wait…if the emotions I’m getting from this are right…what if she and British boy 1 (Joe) didn’t have such a bad breakup and it just fizzled. What if Matty ACTUALLY broke her heart and her over-the-top PR stuff with Travis is sort of to get back at HIM.” —DS

“I mean he kinda is the smallest man who ever lived.” —AM

“As the New Yorker said: It has been alleged online that Healy is actually, secretly, five feet five inches tall.” —CW

“DO NOT FORGET that Matty Healy also inspired that rat in that film.” —DS

Track 15: “The Alchemy”

“I’m bored, give me more depression bops.” —SM

“I’m ready to skip this song which means it’ll be my favorite in a week.” —AM

“Heroin but this time with an e lol. Feminism!” —DS

Track 16: “Clara Bow”

“Taylor’s Grammy look all coming together with this Clara Bow song. I love that Clara was a scandalous silent movie star, people have described her as the OG ‘It girl.’”

“A 1975 reference?” —CW

“I love this album already but if AOTY doesn’t go to Cowboy Carter the way I will riot…” —AM

Final thoughts?

“I can never give my opinions on a Taylor album after first listen but: I’m still a Folklore/Evermore girly, but I can imagine this might be my third favorite.” —ET

“I’m already waiting for the inevitable Robyn-inspired dance album that will be about Trav (whether or not they break up).” —CW

“I’m impressed she has this much drama in her life at our age.” —SM

“Well, I have now finished my first Taylor Swift album in entirety.” —Jazmin Gathers, social media manager